Tyrannical Times

I’ve had a strange and somewhat frustrating few weeks. There are times where I’ve wanted to blog about it but the clandestine hermit in me wouldn’t allow it. My wish in life has always been to touch people with my words and writing my emotional outlet. In as much as I know that there are people in the world that can probably indentify with how I’ve been feeling, I hoard most of my emotions.

As annoying and repetitive as it is being asked if you’re okay, I understand it must be difficult for the people doing the asking, especially when they get little response, but considering I find it difficult to have a conversation about my feeling with my closest friends, it didn’t make sense to put it on my blog for the world to see?

I haven’t been sleeping well of late. When I’m up at that eerily peaceful time of night, after the midnight marauders have had their fun but just before the sun comes up, I think, or I write. Oftentimes, I don’t physically put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard (laziness doesn’t permit me to rise from my comfortable bed), but I mentally compose all sorts of pieces from stories to poems and occasionally I watch things online.

The other day I stumbled on Shirley Eniang’s YouTube vlog on bulling (please watch if you have time when you’ve finish reading this). Just to make it clear, I’m not being bullied at present. But I was. At University. While I met some really nice people, I also came across some who wanted nothing more than to cause me angst and pain. For a time it worked. I became really reclusive and was a shadow of my former self. I toned down my personality because I figured that if I acted unlike myself, maybe they would hate me less? Silly I know, but it made sense to me at the time.

I don’t think I ever once referred to it as bullying while it was happening to me but on reflection months down the line after I’d finished and moved back home and started clawing back my confidence, I realised that bullying was what it was. Anyone who has enough time to create an email address or buy a sim card solely for the purpose of sending me malicious messages in addition to keying and breaking into my car, is a bully – and a twisted, felonious one at that.

I used to feel cheated by my Uni experience because almost everyone else I spoke to loved their time and cite it as some of the best years of their life. While a lot of my friends know that I seriously disliked Uni, they don’t know exactly why. Now they will (if they read this). If not for my then boyfriend and one of my best friends calling and visiting me because she was so worried, I’m not sure what I would have done.

Let me reiterate that I did meet some amazing people at University who I’m still friends with till today, but I used to wonder what life would have been like had I gone somewhere else. I don’t dwell on that anymore though because all of my experiences have made me who I am today. While I hate that I had to go through what I did, it made me stronger and less naïve about the nature of man. Just because you’re nice to people, doesn’t always mean that they’ll be nice to you. You should never be persecuted for being who you are [provided you aren’t hurting anyone].

If you were bullied in the past then I hope that you’ve managed to let it go, learn and move on. Easier said than done I know, but settling in a state of unhappiness and paranoia only hampers your present and future while allowing the bullies to achieve their goal. To anyone who is currently being bullied, I agree with Shirley when she said please tell someone. It definitely isn’t something you should go through alone. I didn’t talk about it for a while and it just ate away at me.

I believe that you should never allow another [wo]man’s negative opinion of you to supersede or obscure your view of yourself. All of us have flaws and are in no position to play God so should allow individuals to live their lives as they see fit and concentrate on your own. Another good thing that came from the experience is what I’m now calling my ‘signature poem’. Next time I have a performance I’ll let you guys know so hopefully you can come and here it.

Have a good weekend.

[If you want to share you bullying experiences or generally just to message about something and nothing then feel free to email me atcomplex.simpliciti@gmail.com]