The (suposed) Great Depression

Apologies for my aloofness of late. I haven't taken another unannounced sabbatical - it's simply a case of me being off in my own world mixed with laziness and procrastination. I'd actually written a post on my Blackberry that I've been meaning to upload since last week but never quite managed to. The following is  not that post. Instead I thought it better to talk about how I've been feeling of late - for my benefit more than yours. If you get something out of it then great. If not, all I can offer you is a wave goodbye.

A couple of weeks ago I went to the cinema four times in the space of six days. Excessive maybe but there were a number of films I wanted to see that had been out a while and I didn't want to miss them so went in quick succession. Someone I know began asking me what was wrong and if I was depressed when I informed them that I'd mostly been going alone.

I may not have gotten the memo but since when did going to the cinema alone mean that I'd soon be needing a prescription for Prozac?! As difficult as it may be for some to fathom, I actually enjoy my own company! At times, I like hanging out by myself and feel the need to do it in a setting other than my bedroom. It disturbed me that the person automatically thought that there must be a problem. I think it's comments like that that make people so quick to self-diagnose and exacerbate issues that may otherwise be an off day or sort themselves out.

Since I returned from Thailand at the beginning of September I've been pretty happy.  Consistently happier than I have been in a long time anyway and everyone around me has noticed the difference.Even when things haven't gone to plan I've maintained a relatively positive outlook. Sadly that wavered for the first time one day this week. For some reason I was really down because I wasn't accomplishing what I needed and wanted to. That day my wish to return to Thailand was insatiable. But, instead of allowing the feeling to consume me, I took the day out to do nothing but reminisce, appreciate life and then got back to doing what  I needed to 24 hours later.

Allowing yourself to feel negative emotions isn't necessarily a bad thing provided you don't allow the feeling to consume you. I've got a lot of things going on at the moment so I'm just trying not to overwhelm myself. I'm excited about the future though and I'm not afraid to fail because I know each failure will just be new lessons learnt and preparation for when I get to where I want to be.

Anyway, all of that aside, I kept a journal when I was in Thailand (which I'm considering turning into a novel) and thought I'd share the first part of what would be the first chapter with you. Comments would be greatly appreciated. I hope you enjoy:

Day 1 - Riding Around On Bikes With Boys

I arrived in Bangkok after an eleven and a half hour flight sandwiched between two strangers. On my left, sitting by the window was what some could describe as one of three archetypal visitors to Thailand; a lone-travelling, middle-aged man who looked like he was roving for pleasure as opposed to business – the other two archetypes being backpackers and free spirits escaping the constraints and rigidity of capitalist civilisation in the western world, but that’s just my humble opinion. To my right sitting in the aisle, was a relatively young, nonconformist looking man with an amiable face and shaved head, showing off the fist-sized, presumably religious tattoo etched above the small tuft of hair that he saw fit for the clippers to spare. I must have seemed quite the anomaly to the flight attendants as I sat in a plane full of stereotypes, honeymooners and those returning home or going to visit family. But I secretly enjoyed feeling as though people were stealing glances at me and trying to work out the reason for my travel.

The middle aged man stood up to use the toilet once throughout the entire flight and the only things that passed his lips were water and wine. He ate nothing, which I found quite odd but didn’t question as I was grateful that I didn’t have to get up numerous times to let him out. The young man and I exchanged smiles but no words, except for five when he saw me struggling to stow my hand luggage in the overhead locker before we set off. His blue eyes looked at me through the simple frames of his glasses and he asked “would you like some help?” I replied “yes” and that was as far as our dialogue went. Those five words informed me that he wasn’t English but they weren’t enough for me to firmly place his accent. I probably should have guessed that he wasn’t a native of the UK by the way he was dressed because there was nothing English-looking about his shorts, t-shirt and oversized jumper. But, considering how expressive people have become with fashion nowadays, I’ve found that it’s never wise to make such generalisations and quickly jump to conclusions.

Eleven and a half hours was my longest flight to date and thus, the furthest I had been from home. It honestly wasn’t that bad. Leading up to my trip I wondered what I’d do for almost half a day spent in the air. I assumed that I would eat, sleep, watch movies, read and write. The time passed surprisingly quickly because as predicted, I ate, slept, read a little bit and slept some more. To be honest, I think the best way to cope with a long haul flight is to leave at night so you can fall asleep easily. That way it’s a far less tedious journey. I didn’t manage to write and only watched one film. I’m unsure what it was called because I missed the beginning, but it starred Queen Latifah and the rapper Common and could best be described as an African-American romantic comedy with less emphasis on the comedy and more on the romance – not to mention a nice moral thrown in for good measure. I hadn’t anticipated there only being one giant screen as opposed to having your own personal one. I thought such cost saving measures were a thing of the past and having to share a communal screen was not something I was used to and did not like, hence my lack of viewing. On the up side, The Thai Airways staff had the most beautiful hostess uniforms I’ve seen. When I spotted the singular giant TV screen, I then rationalised its existence by convincing myself that the airline had blown their budget on the nice uniforms. Using Thai silk to make work-wear could be considered as excessive and made me wonder if their priorities were skewed, but at least their staff looked good. On reflection, Thai silk bought in Thailand can’t be that expensive but my explanation was better than admitting that the airline’s technology is dated or they’re simply being cheap.

            Although the single screen was disappointing, I found the in-flight menu’s we were given to be delightful. It was unusual because I’d never been given a menu on a flight before. It was helpful to see the options written down with exactly what each meal comprised of. Usually flight attendants simply gave you your two options when they came around and if you are unlucky (or lucky as the case may be) enough to be a vegetarian, you typically don’t get a choice. I’m not sure whether vegetarianism is common in Thailand but, the cabin crew has forgotten to make provisions for them and some girls sitting a few rows behind me were up in arms. I felt sorry for them initially but after a while their complaining and rudeness got irritating. I chose the Thai green curry for dinner to get into the spirit of my holiday early. I can’t remember what I chose for breakfast but both meals were satisfying which was remarkable for aeroplane food. My experience with Thai Airways as a whole was pleasant and when I landed in Bangkok, I had no complaints.

            Because my flight to Chiang Mai wasn’t booked with an affiliate of Thai Airways, my luggage couldn’t be checked in all the way to my final destination from London. Bangkok airport was huge, modern and clean. I had more than enough time to catch my next flight so I walked around it in wonder. Although Heathrow airport is sizeable, Bangkok airport felt less claustrophobic, but that could be due to the exceedingly high ceilings and copious amounts of glass letting natural light in at every angle. I paid more attention to the decor, people around me and the fact that I was the only black (or brown) face in the entire airport instead of the signs directing me to where I was meant to be and pretty soon I ended up in a long immigration line with no one I recognised from my flight. I waited patiently in the queue but patience eventually turned to panic when I feared that the pace was moving too slowly. Once customs was cleared I realised I’d somehow managed to walk to the opposite side of the airport which was quite a distance from the turnstile that would spew out my bag. I knew I’d taken too long when I found my suitcase sitting with those of a few other late comers.

Once I’d checked in for my internal flight, the wait wasn’t too long before I could board the plane. I was surprisingly alert given the hours of travelling but I put that down to the adrenalin rush I was getting thinking about my forthcoming adventure. Even if nothing else exciting happened during my whole trip, I’d travelled half way across the world alone and that in itself was a big feat me. Being on the Air Asia flight to Chiang Mai reminded me of Easy Jet, Ryan Air, or any of those other low budget airlines in the UK because you could sit anywhere and refreshments were served at a cost. I noted the fact that the seatbelts buckled left to right instead of right to left like most of the flights I’ve been on and it made me smile. Those are the types of details I observe that make people think I’m weird. But I wouldn’t have it any other way I suppose.

P.S. To understand the title of Day 1 you'll need to read the rest. x